POKÉMON MOVIE REVIEW: THE KELDEO MOVIE

The 15th Pokémon movie, Kyurem VS the Sacred Swordsman: Keldeo, is short and to the point. Our quick blurb would have to be: Keldeo, the impatient young apprentice of the Sacred Swordsmen, goes to fight Kyurem before he is ready, which ends with him fleeing in disgrace. Ash and friends help Keldeo regain his determination and return to finish the battle, and, through the experience, Keldeo finally grasps what it means to be a true hero.

It's a simple, formulaic story, one that you've probably heard variations on many times before, so it gets no points for originality. It doesn't have any particular twists or subversions on this theme. But kids deserve to have their first version of this kind of story too.

A lot of Pokémon movies have a problem with getting lost amid too many ideas and too many characters, and not developing any of them enough, and leaving behind tons of snarly plot threads. The Keldeo movie, instead, has an unusual degree of focus. No Twerps-of-the-Movie, just the usual gang and the featured Pokémon. There's one arc that begins, develops, and ends. Refreshing, actually.

The story being simple can be a good thing. The animation, however, is perhaps too simple. It's more like a barely-animated slideshow. Rather than animating, characters tend to translate across the screen with no sense of weight and motion. They didn't even bother to animate the mouths of the talking horses - they emote but don't have any lip-flaps. Is it telepathy, or just not enough animation budget? Perhaps all that pointless extra animation for the Victini movie's dual movie shenanigans bled dry the animation reservoir, and there was no animation left for the Keldeo movie. The Victini movie got 1.5 movies' worth of animation, and the Keldeo movie is left with a half-movie worth of animation.

It doesn't help that the movie is centered on Pokémon of pretty questionable designs. The designs are not the movie's fault, but, we can't lie, we really don't like the designs of Terrakion, Virizion, and Cobalion, and even the best animators ever with the best budget would have struggled to make Cobalion in particular not look like two men in a cheap horse costume.

But this movie added something to their designs that is not present in the games, and we can put all fault on the movie for this decision. Each of the horses can concentrate to generate a giant energy horn from their foreheads. Whenever the horses need to get serious in a fight, they generate this energy horn as their "sword", which unleashes their full power.

And even though Keldeo is the only one in the group that's already shaped like a unicorn with a literal, non-energy horn in the middle of its forehead, they say Keldeo isn't ready to challenge Kyurem yet because he hasn't figured out how to bring out his "sword". Whenever Keldeo tries, the energy horn appears a little, and then fizzles out.

Okay, we can't resist anymore. Dicks! Penises! That's right, Keldeo can't keep it up. The entire plot hinges on Keldeo's erectile dysfunction. Cobalion tells him, he'll understand how to use his horn when he's older. He's not ready yet, he hasn't hit puberty.

And then later, Keldeo changes forme, featuring a bigger horn, with three ridges and five vibrating modes, and the other horses are there saying that's not quite it, it must be bigger and longer! And we understand that unicorns and swords are by definition kinda phallic, but, man, they didn't need to put so much emphasis on it like this. The story could have gone pretty much the same without energy horns and without ever mentioning horns at all.

Beyond the horses, the other featured Pokémon of this movie is Kyurem. We would have imagined that Kyurem would have appeared alongside Reshiram and Zekrom, and yet here it is, inexplicably with the horses. Well, at this point, it is practically a Pokémon movie tradition to have mismatched legendaries. If the three horses serve the role of the older and wiser mentors of the young and impatient apprentice, Kyurem serves the role of the trial the apprentice must face.

However, Kyurem is not a villain: he's only acting as the villain in order to further teach the young apprentice. Keldeo thinks that he must battle and defeat the horrible Kyurem, but that's only his young and inexperienced perception. In reality, Kyurem is just literally chilling in his abandoned mine, and he's not an evil monster. He's on good terms with the older horses. In reality, he's more like Keldeo's uncle, and it has only been organized that Keldeo will become a full-fledged Sacred Swordsman once he passes the formal test of the uncle. It is only Keldeo's impatience to be grown-up and no longer an apprentice that makes him rush to battle Kyurem, and it is only Keldeo's inexperience that makes him see Kyurem as a monstrous threat that is out for blood.

When Keldeo charges in to fight Kyurem, he announces himself as a Sacred Swordsman who is here to defeat Kyurem! And Kyurem answers, Oh? You are a Sacred Swordsman, huh? Later, before the rematch, Keldeo is ashamed and tells Kyurem he had lied, he's not actually a Sacred Swordsman yet, and Kyurem says, "Did you think I wouldn't know that?". When Keldeo's mentors told him that only a true Sacred Swordsman can defeat Kyurem, they meant that when he is fully matured he will be able to pass Kyurem's challenge, not that being a Sacred Swordsman is some kind of token required to defeat Kyurem. Keldeo's immature perception of this shows that he wasn't ready for the challenge yet.

Although this is mostly a bit for Kyurem, he does take his role super seriously, because it is super serious. He knows that he must be the unrelenting challenge for Keldeo to really access his full potential. He refuses to let his parent-figures coddle him by interrupting the battle — Keldeo started the battle, and it's his own responsibility to finish what he started. If he started something he wasn't ready to finish, he won't learn if someone swoops in to save him from any consequences.

And Kyurem is willing to be brutal even. He freezes the three older horses in a block of ice when they try to interfere! And Keldeo's premature confrontation results in what we believe is the single most violent incident that has ever happened to a Pokémon in the anime: Kyurem literally dismembers Keldeo. As in, destroys his member. Keldeo's horn is broken off, and that was pretty traumatic for him. Though, in the end, when he passes the challenge, the horn is magically restored, so it's fine.

As for what concerns the human characters, we mentioned there are no Twerps-of-the-Movie, aka supporting human characters introduced within the movie — the first (and maybe only?) time that's ever happened. This movie is instead focused on the featured Pokémon, and on Ash with his friends.

In fact, not even the Team Rocket trio made the cut for this plot, instead only appearing in a few cute cameos at the beginning and the end of the movie, and with no speaking role, but, you know, that's fine. If they didn't fit into the movie, it's better than forcing them in unnaturally and then ignoring their presence and not doing anything fun with them, as it happens in a lot of these movies (and we're still not over the incident with the ice cream).

Similarly, when we wrote about the previous movie, the Victini one, we complained that Iris and Cilan do practically nothing and were not introduced to us, despite it being their movie debut. Well, what they didn't get in that movie, they thankfully get in this one. This time around, we can believe that Ash and Iris and Cilan are friends traveling together, and we get more of a sense of their personalities.

Iris gets to talk about her love of dragons. A legendary dragon appears, and she talks about it (instead of somehow having nothing to say, like last time). We also learn that she's not a fan of the cold, and so her grandma thought she also wouldn't be a fan of Kyurem, an Ice-type dragon.

In a flashback, Iris's grandma grants us some exposition about how Kyurem is the strongest dragon, because it is the sibling of Reshiram and Zekrom, but it has the best genes. Oh god, genes. Solidus Snake Dragon nonsense. ✽︎

Presumably this talk of genes was the movie's attempt to explain why Kyurem is switching formes without the physical presence of Reshiram and Zekrom (which would be required in the games), so they are saying Kyurem has all the genes necessary conveniently self-contained, but... ouch, my science.

And Cilan is a self-proclaimed "Railway Lunch Sommelier" (we think he does not know what that word means). He buys way too many bento boxes. He seems to be the kind of friend that kinda weirds-out the rest of the group sometimes with his enthusiasm, but no one would ever want him to change, and everyone appreciates how much fun he is to be around.

And during the plot of the movie, Iris and Cilan both get their own moments to shine by helping Keldeo to rebuild his confidence and to journey back to finish the fight.

Though, erm, Iris and Cilan helping Keldeo to journey back to finish the fight... this is also unfortunately the part of the movie that we have the most complaints about, not in substance but in style. It's cute that Iris and Cilan act as decoys, clearing the way for Keldeo, but in practice, this plays out like this:

1. The blimp leaves.
2. Keldeo has a flashback to three minutes ago, when Iris said she'd be the decoy in the blimp.
3. We see a scene of Iris as the decoy in the blimp.
4. Kyurem and his Cryogonal minions arrive to the blimp and look in the front window.
5. Iris goes, Hi! I am the decoy in the blimp.

And making it even worse, the same sequence repeats with Cilan:

1. The train leaves.
2. Keldeo has a flashback to three minutes ago, when Cilan said he'd be the decoy in the train.
3. We see a scene of Cilan as the decoy in the train.
4. Kyurem and his Cryogonal minions arrive to the train and look in the front window..
5. Cilan goes, Hi! I am the decoy in the train.

Like, come on. It would be humorous if it wasn't played straight. It's to the point that we think this was just to lengthen the movie. This could have been streamlined, a lot. And also, why is Kyurem even chasing after Keldeo at all? Couldn't he just wait for Keldeo to return and finish his fight once he's ready? Why is Kyurem on a rampage about this? Just because there needs to be some more fight scenes.

In the meanwhile that this silliness is going on with Iris and Cilan, Ash bonds with Keldeo. And this time we can believe he has a special friendship with this legendary Pokémon. Ash gives Keldeo a good pep talk about needing to do the right thing, and it's okay if he lost, losing is fine, it's what you do after you lose that matters! Hell, I've lost thousands of times, and I'm still the protagonist! Because I tried again!

And when the time comes for the rematch with Kyurem, Ash and friends are all cheering for Keldeo, without stealing the show. Very nice. Pikachu at one moment even tries to interfere, and Keldeo says no, this is my fight, just watch. And everybody understands.

In the climax, a blast from Kyurem threatens to hit Ash and friends and the now-thawed horses, and Keldeo takes the hit to save them, causing him to lose the battle with Kyurem, and he concedes. And it's at that point that Kyurem acknowledges that this means that Keldeo has passed the test, and he is welcomed as a fully-fledged member of the Sacred Swordsmen. With Ash as his best man, awww.

In conclusion

Within the constraints of the plot and characters being simplistic, everything was, however, completely achieved. All characters properly fleshed out for what can be expected from something this simplistic. Ash is a friend to Keldeo, supporting him without taking over. Iris and Cilan helped, and we got a sense of who they are. The horses are self-contained in their simple characterizations - Terrakion as the Big Guy, Virizion as the Mother Figure, and Cobalion as the Gruff Leader. Kyurem, although mismatched, even made for an interesting antagonist. And Keldeo, of course, is the spunky impatient apprentice who learns his lesson and matures into a fine hero. You know. A classic.

So we guess, this movie is fine for what it is. Not overly ambitious, but leaves us with no real complaints. Perhaps a bit stretched to longer than it needed to be, but it has no glaring plotholes, no missed opportunities... it's just a simple little movie.