Fruits by Attitude

From wonderful to murderous

Written by ritabuuk and dubiousdisc
Posted on December 11th 2020
Tagged as:

Here is a list of culinary fruits, in the order that we think matches how much the fruits want to be eaten by humans. Not in terms of how tasty we think they are, but in terms of their attitude.

Don't ask us why we wrote this. We don't remember why anyway...

  1. Strawberry: It's there! It's bright red! It's delicious! It gardens itself! Eat it off the vine! You can even eat the seeds and they're not annoying!
  2. Kiwi: You can peel the skin off with your bare hands, and just monch everything inside. There's no core, so eat away! And the seeds give it a pleasant texture.
  3. Blueberry: Delicious and so good for you. Pretty too! The seeds can be eaten, although they might be a little annoying. The only downside is that you need a lot of blueberries to have enough.
  4. Apricot: The apricot loses points for having a poisonous stone pit in the middle. Cyanide - seriously?! Then again, your chances of biting into the pit are pretty low, and you'd have to do that a lot to have a problem. The apricot also loses points because it has a notoriously short season. And, more often than not, it tastes sour. But it makes it this high in the list because it is easily-opened, it smells great, it looks cute, and if you get it at the right level of ripeness, it will absolutely change your life.
  5. Peach: Only below apricots because it usually requires a knife to be split in half, which you should do to check that the pit has not leaked cyanide all over your fruit. Better safe than sorry. But the peach is generally more reliable in flavor than apricots, and more easily obtained due to its longer season. Comes in many delicious varieties. It smells great and it is very beautiful. A lot like the apricot, the perfectly ripe peach is orgasmic.
  6. Plum: We don't know, plums are just not as good as apricots and peaches. They're not as pretty either. They're just, plums.
  7. Date: The fruit is delicious and you can use them for pretty much anything. The date fruit grows in bunches and a single tree produces pounds and pounds of them. The only problem is that they grow at the top of a palm tree, and good luck getting up there. Plus, birds also love eating dates, so the area around the tree is definitely in the splash zone.
  8. Apple: Easily obtained, and it can be stored for a very long time. You can bite right through the skin, there's very little waste, and it can be used in a variety of dishes both savory and sweet. The problem is, at the end of the day, you're still eating just an apple. Unless you're getting your hands on some rare variety fresh off the tree, it tastes so boring, it has to be advertised by proverbs of dubious scientific accuracy to trick you into eating a whole apple. The core is also pretty annoying, and you'll want to avoid cutting it in advance due to its habit of turning brown. Frankly, the apple is better as an ingredient.
  9. Pear: Like an apple, but without the durability, and the pear does not really have much better flavor to justify its loss in shelf life. Bruises if you look at it funny.
  10. Cherry: Delicious, but you have to pick these tiny fruits pair by pair, and then you have to pluck them from the stems, and then you have to remove the proportionally huge pit. How much work does the cherry want us to put towards it?! And then, if you acquiesce and do all this, you'll probably eat too many, and get the shits.
  11. Raspberry: Easily grown, easily picked, just have to clean out all those annoying hairy seedy things...
  12. Blackberry: The naughty cousin of the raspberry. A wilder fuck, but at what cost? Spikes all over the bush. You won't be able to pick all the fruit. It dangles there tantalizingly, surrounded by thorns. A sexy dominatrix of fruits.
  13. Banana: Comes in its own carrying case! But those strings... ehhh. And the bottom is gross. And if the banana is too green, it's gross. And if it's too brown, it's gross (except as banana bread). It rots so easily, it makes other fruit rot by proximity. And, no matter what, it gives you bad breath.
  14. Watermelon: The watermelon understands your suffering in the dead of summer. It's a bounty of water and sweetness, in bright green and bright red. It's seedy on the inside, but the seeds are fun to spit out, and there are even seedless varieties. The problem is, how do you open it? And it's usually huge, so it's a hassle to carry and to store... and there's a whole branch of divination devoted to predicting if the inside will even taste good. Because when a watermelon is good, boy, is it good. But when a watermelon is bad, it just makes you want to cry. Especially since you wasted so much effort and space storing this disappointment. Everything about the inside tells us it wants to be eaten, but then why is it so secretive?!
  15. Mandarin: The mandarin is the best citrus fruit. It can be opened with your hands, and is delicious inside, and is available in a season when few other fruits exists. We put the mandarin below the watermelon because a good watermelon is more satisfying than a good mandarin. On the other hand, you can count on a mandarin.
  16. Orange: At a glance, the orange appears to be a mandarin, but bigger. Wonderful! But how do you open this fucker?! And sometimes you will put all the effort to open it to find out it's mostly peel. And honestly, it doesn't taste as good as a mandarin. You are better off making the orange into juice.
  17. Lime: A lovely green color, the lime is cute, and it makes delicious drinks, but not often eaten alone. Not as scary as a lemon.
  18. Lemon: It should tell you something that this fruit can be used for disinfecting the countertop. Technically you can bite through a lemon and eat the entire thing except for the seeds. But are you brave enough? Rosy personally is a fan of eating lemons, and she loves to show-off by eating the decorative lemons at restaurants.
  19. Grapefruit: Not only it is a bitter, nasty version of the orange, it counteracts most medicines. What an asshole! The grapefruit's only redeeming feature is its adorable pink color.
  20. Melon: Big and unwieldy, the melon needs to be cut open with considerable effort, then needs to be prepared with even more effort. It tastes... nice... but for like, two slices. Then it gets boring, and now you've got the problem of how to store the rest. Also, if you rub your mouth over the middle part, which is the tastiest, your lips will get irritated. Melons are like some sort of trap.
  21. Grape: Like the cherry, but less tasty, and with sneakier seeds that you will inevitably bite into, which will make your mouth all dry and unpleasant. Just make it into alcohol.
  22. Avocado: You have to know what you are in for when you are eating an avocado. Apparently it is flavored to suit the tastes of extinct mega-fauna, and they apparently liked the taste of fatty oils. An avocado is a fruit, but it is not a fruit in the same way a strawberry is a fruit. It's like if butter was a fruit. Once you get over the shock of what an avocado tastes like, you will find delicious uses for it. But only when it is properly ripe. It needs a knife to be opened, and it contains a huge-ass pit. Though, it's a cute pit. The avocado doesn't really want to be eaten by humans - it would much rather be eaten by something that would swallow that seed whole - but since those animals are not around anymore, the avocado really can't be picky.
  23. Fig: When you get it from the tree, the tree will leak white sticky irritating sap all over your hands. Then the pulp is almost impossible to separate from the annoying and inedible skin, and it's all seedy, and it rots so easily, and it can give you the shits. And yet, fig trees produce so many fruits. So many fruits that are so annoying to deal with, you can't give enough of them away. Also, don't think too much about the wasps. Despite all these problems, the fig makes a good jam, and that's probably what you are going to do with all the fruits that you cannot possibly eat.
  24. Mango: The mango is the cruelest fruit. How does it dare taste so good and then have that THING inside it. One day we will lose a hand while trying to cut it open from hitting that ginormous pit. And then fibers will inevitably get stuck in our teeth and force us to floss. With only one hand. The mango must have been the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, because it treats you like a sinner for eating it.
  25. Star fruit: It is a cute and delicious fruit with a fun shape and a unique flavor and no waste. It also contains a neurotoxin that will literally kill you if you have any kidney problems. Dammit.
  26. Quince: The perfume of quinces fill the entire room. They have a lovely golden color and are cutely fuzzy. They fall off the tree and into your waiting hands. Unfortunately, they are barely edible for the tiniest bite when raw. They have to be cooked or made into jam to be eaten at all. The good news is that it almost makes itself into jam - it comes with its own pectin. Overall, the quince would be a complete disappointment if its jam wasn't so good.
  27. Lychee: What a delightful flavor that is somewhere between strawberry and grape, and it is so moist and good. But it is also encased in a spiky shell that is so annoying to remove, and then it contains a huge-ass pit. Also, if you eat nothing but lychees, you die.
  28. Persimmon: Ah, the persimmon. If you get a perfect one, it has a delicious flavor like nothing else. If you get a good one, it tastes like... not much. But if you get a bad one, it punishes your tongue with its insane amount of tannins, forcing you to spit it out, throw it away, and eat something else to try to forget about that persimmon. And the worst part is, the only way to tell for sure which kind of persimmon you have in your hands... is to bite through it. Furthermore, eating too many will create fibrous balls in your guts. Ew.
  29. Pineapple: It simultaneously tastes amazing and like eating nails. And that's after you spent like thirty minutes cutting the pineapple open. Its juice literally tenderizes the meat inside your mouth. What the fuck. Maybe we shouldn't be eating this.
  30. Coconut: First you have to climb the palm tree. Then you have to gently remove the coconut, lest it falls on your head and kills you. Then you have to remove it from its husk. Then you have to crack it open. The good news is that everything that is inside from this point onwards is heaven. You can do anything with the coconut. A suitable reward for unlocking its treasures.
  31. Pomegranate: The namesake of the grenade. Full of so many seeds that are so difficult to get out of that gross skin inside. But there is a trick. And that trick is BDSM. First you have to give the pomegranate a full body massage, rolling it over the countertop, to get it into the right mood. Then you cut it open and fucking spank it with a wooden spoon to knock the seeds out of it. And it works even better if you insult the pomegranate at the same time. If you cut open a particularly juicy one, it will spray blood. It is an extremely metal fruit. But even after all that, the seeds taste so tart, that you might eat a handful of them and then be bored. Best prepared with other things.
  32. Cranberry: Take pomegranate seeds and scatter them through a whole field, and you've got the cranberry. Tiny little fruits that, to be harvested effectively, you have to flood their whole field and scoop them out of the water. And after you've done all of that, they taste terrible when raw. You have to dry them or add sugar to them. And even then, you might not like how tart they are. They're being avidly studied just to figure out what to do with all these cranberries someone accidentally farmed, and they can't decide if they're medicinal, useless, or harmful. Do they prevent UTIs, or do they cause kidney stones? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
  33. Durian: Oh no. Does it taste amazing, or does it smell like death by concentrated farts? Apparently, the ability to smell the notoriously bad smell is genetic, and Denise has the wrong genes. Also, we hear it is a nightmare to open. Even though the durian is a wonder to the right people, we are putting it below the cranberry because the durian has an area of effect. It may not be hurting you, but it's hurting others around you.
  34. Prickly pear: Oh, you thought we were going to put the durian at the bottom of the list? We can't imagine anything else worth eating that hates humans more than the prickly pear. The fruit grows plentifully on a cactus, in fun bright colors, so it demands attention. If you want to eat the fruit, your first mission is to retrieve it, let us repeat, from a cactus, which is covered in both huge spikes and tiny glass-like splinters. You may figure out a clever way to circumvent the cactus, but the moment you put your hand on the fruit, you will understand your mistake. The fruit itself is covered in those nearly-invisible splinters that are so nearly-invisible that even if you inspect the fruit up close, you might still not see them. You will, however, notice. You will suffer for weeks from splinters lodged in your hands. Think about a time you got a splinter and how painful it was. Now imagine dozens of them, lodged in your hands. So, not only must you not touch the cactus, but you must also not touch the outside of the fruit. It's like a sadistic puzzle. And even if you get the fruit safely, and even if you know the very specific technique to open it safely, you may still have a stray spine end up somewhere, and that's enough to hurt like hell. The good news about this fruit is that it tastes great - hence the only reason why anyone still does this. And then again, it has one last trick up its sleeve to get its revenge: if you eat too many of them, the seeds will bunch together inside you and plug up your asshole. The prickly pear hates the fuck out of humans, and eating it is an act of defiance, which Rosy partakes of as often as possible.